Jack Awards November 2010

This month's Jack Award nominations were fraught with infighting, scandal, backbiting and some measure of controversy, and the rigors and the threatened violence almost disrupted the entire proceeding. 

Needless to say, we at the Organization of Semi Worthwhile and Distracting Events (OSWDE) are nothing if not professional, and we put aside our X Box controllers and focused on the actual nominations.

The following people are nominated in no particular order for making a grand mess in the past thirty days, highlighted here because of their being active in the community and of such stature as to be able to be recognized in a crowd.

Winners get a slice of cake, a glass of warm juice and a Jack Award.

As has become the custom, we put out the call to the general public for nominees for this month's awards and, despite two discarded nominations for hanging chads and fourteen for mothers in law (we STILL have no mother in law category) this is what we got:

(Again, in case you missed it, this is in no particular order)

Anand Ramlogan

Attorney General and all around good guy Anand Ramlogan again displayed his lacy panties in public by appointing as Commissioner to enquire into to the scandalous thievery that ended the CL/CLICO Empire, a man who once acted for the very same Company. This was revealed in the Senate some time ago by none other than Opposition Leader in Waiting, Penelope Beckles.

After dismissing Penny's damning allegation as PNM Tabanca, Balisier stalwart and part time superhero Sista Penny returned ready to do battle and parried his dismissal in a well crafted revelation that the gentleman in question did in fact act FOR the failed Company AGAINST Republic Bank way back in 1989.

This was done complete with slide show, sensaround sound and smellavision for the hearing impaired.

- For showing that he does in fact know Victoria's Secret - A Jack Award

BMW Security Guard

Being the very presence and voice of authority in the Bavarian Motors showroom in San Fernando, top notch man of action and ace crime fighter that he is, the guard on duty failed to secure a woman who was stabbed twenty times ending in her death in broad daylight in front of her children.

For reinforcing our faith in rent-a-cops - A Jack Award

Every Other Male Present

For definitively proving that testicles do not necessarily make you man, we were pressured to award a group award to every other man present when Sabrina Lalla-Mitchell was stabbed to death, twenty times.

For cowardice in the face of danger to another - A Jack Award

Airport Braille Sign Team

Somewhere in this country is a group of people who decided that if saying 'welcome' in fifty languages was good, then saying 'hello' in braille and sign language thirty feet in the air would be gooder. Another group award, this one goes to the scientist who came up with the idea, the moron who approved it, and the band of idiots that took the job which could only be described as brightly lit stupidity.

For showing us why too much Sesame Street can be bad for you - A Jack Award

Glen Ramadhar Singh

What would the Jack Awards be without this young man? 

Known and loved for his Three Stooges styled comedy routine, he has become quite the regular on the Jack Awards red carpet and the go to guy at the After Party.

In response to the rash of killings of children, the killing of children by children and the sexual molestation involving a school boy and a goat, Minister 'Strike A Pose' Extraordinaire took immediate action in his trademark style and set up a hotline for victims to call.

For providing goats everywhere with cell phones and phone cards - A Jack Award

Prime Minister Kamla Persad Bissessar

Former Senator Verna St Rose-Greaves had been appointed Special Adviser on Children's Advocacy Issues in the Office of the Prime Minister on July 1st 2010. Since then, nothing.

Far and away the obvious choice for Social Development Minister, the Prime Minister has instead treated this beloved activist and social stalwart with less than the respect she deserves, and some say her knocking from pillar to post is a clear case of contempt.

For insisting that no good deed shall go unpunished - A Jack Award

Minister of National Security Brigadier John Sandy

Many of tonight's Jack Award Nominees have some connection to a storm that missed us, almost. The first member of the Leadership to get an Award for outstanding comic relief directly due to 'on again' 'off again' Tropical Storm Tomas, the Minister of National Security seems to have responded to the Prime Minister's instruction to evacuate in the face of the impending disaster by sending all the security forces and first responders home.

In the ensuing melee to get out of Dodge City, nary a uniformed officer could be seen anywhere offering anything like guidance, directions or even Diana Power Mints for that matter.

For his contribution above and beyond the demands of inefficiency - A Jack Award

Opposition Leader Dr. Keith Rowley

In an attempt to show that he is more than just a pretty face, Keith Rowley put his foot down on his other foot and accused the Prime Minister of 'over reacting' to a 'Cloud' and accused her further of being responsible for the panic that ensued.

Now, whether or not the Government's actions on the day in question were well handled or not, the fact that this 'Cloud' went on to devastate some of our neighbors to the north was not lost on the entire population and the public backlash has caused the good Doctor to bring out his trademark 'mea culpa' face complete with a killer backbeat.

For showing you're never too big to talk dotishness in public - A Jack Award

Prime Minister Kamla Persad Bissessar

Happy to still be presiding over the magic hilltop rainbow-land of psychedelic beans, current Prime Minister and part time Rhythm & Blues singer, Kams never get tired of demonstrating that sometimes it's okay to just say nothing. 

Continuing in her bid to completely destroy CARICOM and this country's reputation in the region, the newest addition to the Wailers has once again flipped our Caribbean neighbors the bird by offering aid after the Tropical Storm Tomas disaster, but only if there is something in it for us.

A winner in many categories tonight, Kamla has decided to pull Dr. Rowley's nuts out of the fire by making a bigger mess all on her own by alienating the entire Caribbean.

For Gangster style FIFA economics that would make even Blatter proud - A Jack Award

Austin Jack Warner

Now where would the Jack Awards be without this man?

Historians and comics everywhere are recording his every word, as are certain Law Enforcement Officials in the region. 

HNIC Austin Jack Warner tonight wins the coveted Bonnie & Clyde Award for his handling of the footballers and their claim to their share of the money they earned by their performance. In response to judgement being handed down against them, the Trinidad and Tobago Football Federation (TTFF) has appealed the judge’s decision demanding that the federation honour its agreement to pay the 2006 World Cup football team their share of the $88 million the local football body received as World Cup commercial revenue for the tournament which took place in Germany.

It is now four years, and this heavy handed handling of these boys and their fortunes and their careers are enough to make the devil himself weep in anticipation of receiving your soul.

For your complete lack of shame - A Jack Award

Me

Yes me.

In response to personal attacks against me by a stalker (for want of many other choice words), I demonstrated an incredible amount of immaturity over a nothing situation and made more of it than was there to be had.

Here, hoisted on my own petard by very close and dear friends, I am both surprised and humbled by the sheer volume of nominations I received for this Award.

In my defense all I can say is "fine, could've handled that better". I also put some friends in an uncomfortable position during my 'push back,' and for this I accept the 'Mervyn Assam WTF Award' (and ah want mih juice AND cake too eh, so doh stick).

For not handling my stories better - A Jack Award

Other notable winners in tonight's Awards are:

Chief Medical Officer Dr. Anton Cumberbatch, who apparently missed the opening paragraph of the Hippocratic Oath, which clearly states "First Do No Harm." His (mis)handling of the Judah Lovell matter will become his legacy, workmen are already etching it in stone as we speak.

For clever impersonation of a caring physician - A Jack Award

Stephen King, Prime Minister of St. Lucia, the winner of this month's Creative Name Award for the name Stephen King.

Who did he run against for the Office, Lewis Carrol? Enid Blyton?

For really having the name Stephen King and being a Prime Minister - A Jack Award

Sports Minister Anil Roberts, for wasting time and wasting State funds  promoting the failed Nicky Minaj concert in of all places the National Stadium no less, an activity to which he was unequivocal opposed under the last Administration.

Mr. Roberts is the Winner of this month's 'Ramesh Lawrence Maharaj Two Face' Award.

For Hypocrisy with swagger and a smile - A Jack Award

The trainer in the Gym who smells nasty all the time, oh gosh man, wash yuh damn self before coming out in public nah, especially in enclosed spaces. Here, hold a Jack Award for that.

For your committed research into chemical warfare - A Jack Award

Watson Duke, for using Public Sector workers at the expense of the people, us and them - A Jack Award

It is important to us that we live up to the spirit of these Awards, a spirit founded on 'ketching' people with their proverbial pants down and exposing them for all to see.

One day soon the Jack Awards will go live and have its own ceremony complete with press and red carpet, dedicated to those who make a spectacle of themselves and do it publicly. 

If you're a blind Party supporter, a racist, a biased Journalist, a corrupt public Official or a 'doh care' public servant, for reducing the quality of life in our nation, there is a Jack Award for you.

If you take yourself too seriously be careful, you can never tell if one day, there's a Jack Award in your future too.


Credits:

The Jack Award is made of recycled aluminum at a Smelter in Germany whose processes and systems we are reliably informed are both completely 'green' and eco friendly.

The Jack Awards are brought to you by former CLICO subsidiary - Dewey, Cheathem, & Howe and by Malaysian Construction Firm led by Sherrine Hart - Sosuemee.

The Jack Awards is not affiliated to any other award show both living and dead, and any resemblance between this show and any other would surprise us all.

All participants and Nominees have been pre-screened for Bird Flu, Swine Flu and Foofanoo.

All winners will receive their full slice of cake and glass of juice through the mail courtesy of TTPOST.