My fellow citizens of Trinidad & Tobago,
We told Dookeran to handle this, but he busy so I came to you myself to tell you some things that your Government is doing for you.
We need you to know that your Government has heard you, and in Response to the calls to honor the misprint and lower the retirement age, the People's Partnership Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement.
This plan will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government and may also be eligible for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers) to see if they need any further assistance.
You should take note that a person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate, and we can do this because, unlike the other side who cannot erect one of their own, we have a plan.
Also, only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously, and I need to be clear about this, all persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.
Alternately, persons who choose to not be RAPED and would rather stay on, we have a plan for you too.
Under my Ministry, you will be able to receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as you can handle, and we have different types of SHIT available.
The government takes pride in the amount of SHIT it is currently giving out.
If for any reason you feel that you did not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP or call my office, because at the end of the day, I am responsible for all the SHIT around here.
Austin Jack Warner,
Minister of Everything