Hot on the heels of the May 24th General Elections, Deosaran Bisnath and GOPIO decided to prove their exceptional Indian-ness by hosting an all Indian award show to celebrate Indian people that they thought deserved a nothing award, a slice of cake and some juice.
We at the Organization of Semi Worthwhile and Distracting Events have been inundated with calls to have another 'Jack Award' ceremony and have decided that there are indeed many who are deserving and should recieve the second highest nothing award in the land for their dubious and self glorifying achievements.
As of this writing we have no cake or juice, please be advised.
Nominees for The Jack Awards, September 2010 are:
1) Devant Maharaj
My good friend Devant Maharaj, in trying to keep his own 'All Indian All the Time' organization (ITEC) in good graces with the current East Indian Government has decided to celebrate the Prime Minister's promises and accomplishments in a note. The note made many, many dubious claims that have been addressed in another place, but it his claim "5. Have an integrated approach to address flooding and food security (Done) " that is causing consternation. Making a silly claim like that while the country is being washed away and drowned with each successive rainfall (which ironically is destroying farmers' crops and raising food prices) definitely qualifies him for a Jack Award.
- For failing to check facts before publishing - A Jack Award.
1) Winston Dookeran
Mr. Winston Dookeran, in keeping with his penchant to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, used his maiden budget speech to promise a hole in a mountain, and to fully piss off any one who had any connection with CLICO, CL Financial and the Hindu Credit Union (save and except for the shirt and tie bandits that are apparently getting away with their loot), something he did not even HAVE to do.
It was literally other people's problem.
Caused by others, mucked up further by others still, it was best left alone and to the legal gymnasts to untangle, the Honorable Minister of Finance should have completely left that one steaming pile of 'thiefery' and lies alone.
Trying to solve what he perceived as a problem and explained in his own inimitable style, the Leader of the Congress of the People pulled out his own proverbial gun, loaded it with his own proverbial bullets, and shot himself in the proverbial foot.
- For demonstrating why you must never sweat for a next man fever - A Jack Award.
1) Lawrence Duprey, Andre Monteil & Harry Harnarine
Having experienced the International Trust collapse, I would have thought it impossible for intelligent people in this country to be swindled so easily again. Never in a million years did I think that not only could it be done, but the spoils could be divided up along racial lines.
I am impressed with the efforts these men made, not only in personal enrichment at the expense (literally) of others, but in debunking a much believed myth.
- For proving that crime does indeed pay- A Jack Award.
2) Lyndira Ouditt
In her role as Acting Senate President, Madame Ouditt put Opposition Senator Fitzgerald Hinds firmly in his place by rewriting history to suit her memory of events.
Never expecting people to 'check the tapes' (which some say she should have), The Acting President did what you must never do when a camera is present, talk what yuh don't know like if yuh know.
- For buffing people with conviction while being completely wrong - A Jack Award
3) Herbert Volney
There are so many things for which this man deserves a Jack Award, he may very well be the Michael Jackson of the Jack Awards.
When not demonizing people for showing their underwear in public (heaven forbid) and advocating hanging people in public squares, former Judge now Ministerial firebrand Herbert Volney has decided to wage a public war with his ex boss during the budget debate in the Parliament. In a contribution that woke even sleeping Judges, the Justice Minister dared to impugn and ascribe motives to the Chief Justice that, were it not protected by Parliamentary Privilege, could have him before a Court on charges of contempt so fast he may have broken the underwear in public law himself.
This man promises to be seen on the Jack Awards red carpet in the future, and we acknowledge his insistence to at least be included this time around.
- For roughing up the Chief Justice 'just so' - A Jack Award
4) Garvin Nicholas
Ahh Garvin, Garvin, Garvin.
It almost pained us here to have to nominate you, because your main mistake really is that you took a job you are not qualified to handle and are probably being maliciously used as a distraction.
In fact, because of this we toyed with launching a new award just for you, Anil Roberts and Therese Baptiste-Cornelis called the 'Dhanraj Singh Neck Wining Award', given to those proficient in the art of making spectacles of themselves on the public payroll.
Garvin, you must know that your 'misprint' statement, like Gary Hunt's now famous 'national pride' statement, will stay with you for the rest of your career if not life. Whether you came up with this on your own or not is not the issue, but the fact that you agreed to fall on the proverbial sword is comical seeing that you just had to step out of the way and just repeat others' excuses, not make it up for them.
- For willing to destroy his own career to cover others - A Jack Award
5) Tim Gopeesingh
If you get away with this laptop fiasco you will receive the Jack Awards Lifetime Achievement Award for possessing proverbial balls of brass.
- For proving that it is possible to fool all the people all the time- A Jack Award
6) Paolo Kernahan
For attacking others who are trying to encourage excellence in the media by engaging the debate, Paolo showed himself to be a haughty army of one in a war he cannot start and worse, cannot win. The issue was never about how much you get paid, but what your profession is about. That most of the media practitioners do not understand the difference between a career and a calling is funny and a little ironic, but the fact that he was the only one willing to defend the slow descent to mediocrity and justify the misbehavior that is slowly destroying the public's respect for journalism qualifies him for an award.
For demonstrating no ability to negotiate a fair wage for himself
For excusing the poor behavior of Journalists who sell their bias for position and pottage
For choosing to align himself with those who fail to respect his profession while unconsciously disrespecting it himself
- For killing the messenger and deflecting the message - A Jack Award
7) Glen Rama Dama Ding Dong
For demonstrating the contempt every successive Administration has had for Social Services by his appointment, this one Minister should be encouraged to never again speak on behalf of the needy.
For using the poor and the desperate to glorify himself on television for his friends to see while making questionable clothing choices evokes the creation of a new award and this has been taken under advisement.
His inability to read a prepared speech in defiance of the rules of the House was seen by the committee to be comical, and one almost expected him to read out the words 'Pause for Effect', as the written instructions always seemed to catch him off guard..
His budget contribution should be replayed in slow motion to a back beat and sold on MTV, so completely nothing was the new Minister of Vouchers and Missing Goats attempt at sounding capable of doing everything while excelling at nothing really.
- For claiming successes where none exist while continuously shaming the needy- A Jack Award
This Jack Awards will one day have its own ceremony complete with press and red carpet, dedicated to those who excel at 'cocking' up epically on the national stage.
We plan to monitor the news, and bring you a Jack Awards function as regularly as the remaining Freedom of Speech allows.
To my fellow Party supporters who thought activism meant 'Pressure for PNM Only' think again. Whoever is in Government and/or receiving State funds under false pretenses will be nominated.
The Government of the people is supposed to work for the people, in the service of the people, and while firing them takes a little time, we can expose them for what they really are.
If you're a blind Party supporter, a racist, a biased Journalist, a corrupt public Official or a 'doh care' public servant, for reducing the quality of life in our nation, there is a Jack Award for you.