Not Necessarily the News... July 2013

Good day, welcome to Not Necessarily the News.

- Let's go straight to our top stories:

In the lead up to this year's 9/11 memorial observances, a small change to the normally packed itinerary has been causing a bit of a buzz as Osama Bin Laden and about a hundred of his trusted deputies and future martyrs have applied to and have been given permission to march to Ground Zero, the site of the fallen World Trade Center in celebration of their triumph over the heathen great Satan, the United States. Unrepentant over the attacks which saw many innocents killed, his religious extreme group Al Qaeda has openly threatened the United States government with further attacks if they don't 'obey the law.' The Commissioner of Police and Office of the Mayor, who were responsible for granting the permission to march have been very silent on the issue and have refused to comment. Bin Laden himself, far from being remorseful over the unprovoked attacks, has hired an agent to 'shop' his appearance around on top network talk-shows at a fee to be determined.

- In other news:

Failed former stockbroker, investment advisor and financier Bernard Lawrence "Bernie" Madoff who single-handedly brought the investment world to its knees by some heretofore inexplicably unscrupulous and shady dealings has been released from prison and invited to retake control of his empire once again. After the United States government successfully rightsized the gutted empire using a wash of taxpayer's funds they now believe that the company is 'shipshape' again, and who better to run it than Bernie himself. Former  groups of investors whose losses have been transformed into gains by the intervention have become uncharacteristically silent over the idea, but some say in the investment
game, once risk becomes rewards these people don't really care who is driving the gravy train. The estimated twenty five billion dollars of state funds pumped into the failing enterprise has been credited with this new reality, and lawmakers and government officials, some of whom were former board members of the organization are said to be happy with the turn of events. The multi million dollar Commission of Enquiry into the collapse of the organization also paid for predominantly by public funds is expected to be published within the next six months under the heading – 'Lessons Learnt.'

- Over on the political scene:

Banned from any baseball activities for life over his questionable financial dealings, former Hall of Fame nominee Pete Rose has been elected to the United States Government after a whirlwind political campaign that saw many former adversaries flock to his side. They say a week is a long time in politics, and if that is true then six months could be a lifetime, as that is how long it took to move from being a disgraced hero to a future Presidential contender. Dubbed an 'action man' by many who know and are familiar with his abhorrence for structure and rules, his penchant for daring lawmakers to come down on him for his many alleged infractions seems to be the unsaid justification for him being elected to such high office. His supporters say unless he is charged and convicted they don't see why they should not give him their vote, and his permanent illegibility from sports will hopefully give him all the time he needs to focus his time and energies on effective representation of his constituents including much needed drains, a focus of the campaign. Much has been made of his alleged pocketing of charitable donations earmarked to ease the plight of the victims of hurricane Katrina, but to his most ardent and faithful supporters this is just another example of his ability to use whatever advantages make themselves available. Opposing members of Congress point to his election as an indictment against the  administration itself, and calls have been made for the President to step down.

- In news of crime:

Sarcasm has taken quite a beating as most people seem to have traded in their sense of whimsy for cynicism. This is expected to cause a breakdown in spontaneous laughter and a committee has been set up to look into it.

- And in sports:

The West Indies Cricket Team has been given custody of a child who sued his parents for alleged abuse. When asked by the Judge why he wanted to live with the team he responded “Daddy say they not beating anybody.”

- Let's take a look at the weather:

Today is expected to continue until nightime arrives, which is expected to be around 7:15 p.m.

- Public service announcements:

This week's scheduled meeting of Procrastinators Anonymous has been rescheduled to a date to be decided.

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